It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
It's shark week go big or go home
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Randomize
