i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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