six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Randomize
