my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
Randomize
