She is in my trunk
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
