at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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