I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
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