I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
and i looked up. we had an audience...
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
Randomize
