Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
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