I will die if light touches me.
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Be still, my beating vagina.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Randomize
