I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
