Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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