I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
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