she woke up with a sticky ear
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
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