yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
