come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
