I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Randomize
