hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
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