you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Randomize
