This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???