I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
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