he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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