Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
