i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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