It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
