fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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