Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
