So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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