hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
