did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Randomize
