Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
