If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
Terrible idea I love it
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Randomize
