This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Randomize
