after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Just puked most of my soul out..
Randomize
