remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize