Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
