he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
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