Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
love makes seman taste better
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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