it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
