when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
and you fell through a lawn chair
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Randomize
