If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
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