but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
