Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
