The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
