i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
