The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Randomize
