wrigley field is MILF paradise
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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