apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
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