She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Randomize
