I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
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Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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