i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
