You smell like stripper and shame
it was like his penis was on wheels.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
