College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
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